“It Could Be Worse” (Validating Your Own Religious Trauma)
- Sara Smith
- Sep 4
- 5 min read
If you’ve lived in Minnesota for any length of time you’ve heard the phrase, “It Could Be Worse”. It occurs most often in our conversations about weather. Neighbor 1: “Uff Da, it sure is a hot one today!” Neighbor 2: “Ya, it sure is. But it could be worse, at least we don’t have the high humidity today!” Barista: “Boy, it’s a cold one out there!” Customer: “I’ll say! But it could be worse, it could be snowing too!” I’ll admit, I’ve even heard myself say it smugly to the millennials around me who have the audacity to lament the Vikings inevitable demise in the playoffs. “HA! It could be worse - you didn’t have to watch Gary Anderson miss the field goal in ‘98!”
It’s funny and almost meme-like when it's used to compare woes about weather and football, but it is damaging and hurtful when used to compare pain and trauma. I think we are still figuring out as a culture what to do with the word “trauma”. The diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) didn’t show up in our diagnostic manuals until 1980, and has probably only been used in our common lexicon for the past 20 years or so. A simple Google search for the definition of trauma yields as many definitions as there are search results. And like so many things in our society today, the word seems to get polarized. It’s either used to describe every discomfort no matter the size (i.e. My internet went out when I was watching the season finale of [insert favorite Netflix series here]. It was so traumatic!”), or the word is reserved only for military veterans and sexual abuse survivors. In a therapy setting it is more often the latter than the former.
Defining Religious Trauma
It can make it difficult for trauma therapists like me to let people know what help is available and to name the hurt and healing that needs to be done when we have such a resistance to calling something trauma. I think this is especially true when it comes to healing religious trauma. People are increasingly feeling hurt, pain, confusion, mistrust, disappointment, shame, and lack of safety from their religious institutions. This can cause significant emotional wounds that lead to people not only feeling unsafe in their churches, but in other environments, their relationships, and especially within themselves. And when we reject the idea that we have experienced religious trauma because we have not had something “worse” happen (i.e.. sexual abuse), then we cut ourselves off from the healing we need and deserve.
I have been reading Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing by Hillary McBride, a book about healing from church hurt and spiritual abuse recovery, which I highly recommend. She offers several definitions and frameworks to talk about what spiritual or religious trauma is. One is describing Adverse Religious Experiences (ARE) which she indicates are “any religious belief, practice or system that undermines a person’s safety, autonomy or agency and negatively impacts their physical, social, emotional, relational or psychological well-being”. Throughout the book she offers several examples of experiences that could lead to religious trauma. Here are a few examples:
Minimizing or denying emotions
Inappropriate/unwanted touching
Sexual abuse
Spiritual gaslighting
Public or private shaming or humiliation
Harsh, controlling or physical discipline
Talking poorly about or lying about those who have been critical of the faith community or have left it
Limiting access to information or relationships outside of the faith community
Measures of control over things like food, dress, leisure activities, sexuality
Discouraging critical thinking or questioning
Sexual objectification
To be clear this is NOT an exhaustive list, nor does it mean that if you have experienced one or more of these you automatically have religious trauma. I provide the above description and list to demonstrate that traumatic experiences come in many shapes, sizes, forms and degrees and your pain does not need to meet a definition, standard, or diagnosis in order to be valid or worthy of being healed. It does not have to be worse to deserve to get better.
The Dangers of Minimizing Religious Trauma and Emotional Wounds
This is one area where the medical field can be an example for us. Here is what I found on the medical definition of a bruise: “A bruise…is a localized area of discoloration on the skin caused by the rupture of small blood vessels (capillaries). This occurs when trauma or impact damages the capillaries, leading to the leakage of blood into the surrounding tissues.” Notice how they use the word trauma - an impact. I can get a bruise from a baseball bat to the head, getting punched in the arm or from knocking my knee on the footboard of my bed. It's all trauma to the system. It’s all an unwanted impact. And it all leaves a bruise.
If I saw a child run up to their mom with a cut on their finger and the mom said, “Oh, stop your crying, it could be worse - Your sister broke her arm last summer!”, I would be saddened and horrified. A loving and nurturing parent says, “Oh no, come here and let me give it a kiss”, and gives their child a kiss and a band-aid. When we minimize or belittle our own hurt or trauma, we participate with the very people, communities, doctrines and systems that hurt us by adding to our own pain and abuse. We join in our own gaslighting, diminishing our wounds and cutting ourselves off from the healing that is available.
Traumatic experiences come in many shapes and sizes, and your pain does not need to meet a definition, standard, or diagnosis in order to be valid or worthy of being healed.
If you have felt hurt, disappointed, wounded, or abused by your faith community, I want to say this to you: I am so sorry! You did not deserve that! There is nothing wrong with you and their actions do not represent God. And no matter the size or origin of the wound you are carrying, healing is available to you, and you deserve and are worthy of that healing.
7 Minute Shift
(Because you can’t do anything with quality in 5 minutes and who the hell has 10 minutes lying around!)
If you read through this entire article, you probably have some kind of wound from a faith or religious community. Take the next 7 minutes to do the following exercise.
It is likely that a certain event, situation, or experience you’ve had came to mind while you were reading the article. In your mind or aloud to yourself, name the event or experience.
WITHOUT blaming others or yourself and WITHOUT any judgement words like should, shouldn’t, right, wrong, good or bad, simply name the emotions that you carry from that experience. (i.e. When I think about [X experience], I feel (angry, disappointed, hurt, afraid, unsafe) ).
With each experience and emotion, be your own nurturing parent and say to yourself, “I am so sorry that you (had to experience X/ are feeling X). You did not deserve that.”
Looking for More?
If you want further help in exploring or healing from your own religious trauma, I’d love to walk with you in that process. Explore Therapy for Religious Trauma in Minnesota, take a dive deep with a Therapy Intensive, or schedule a time to connect with me.