Handling the Holidays Part 4: How to Navigate Church Hurt at Christmas (Support for Navigating Faith-Related Pain, Holiday Expectations, and Complicated Church Experiences)
- Sara Smith
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
When you see the words church and Christmas in the same sentence, what does it bring up for you? Perhaps you have fond feelings thinking about children’s Christmas programs, candlelight services, and singing carols with your family before a big meal and present opening. Perhaps it brings up discomfort thinking about the guilt you feel from family members, going only once or twice a year to a place that feels unfamiliar and unfriendly, or returning to a place of pain during a time that is supposed to be about comfort and joy. Your specific holiday tradition may involve a faith practice or celebration that looks totally different from these. While I’ll be speaking from a primarily Christian lens, as that is what I’m most familiar with, you may find some of the struggles and suggestions feel relevant to you as well. With all of the activities, obligations, and dynamics the holidays bring, the additional strain of complicated or painful feelings about religious faith can be an unwelcome added stressor during a time you are hoping for peace and warmth. If dealing with difficult faith experiences or religious trauma creates an added stressor for you this holiday season, here are some suggestions for holding on to your peace.
Honor Your Pain When You're Navigating Church Hurt or Religious Trauma
Nothing comes with ‘buts’ and ‘shoulds’ like religious expectations. It is not uncommon to have hurtful church experiences and trauma minimized or tolerated in order to protect religious leaders or to elevate a higher purpose to which our allegiance is expected above our hurt. Our pain can feel like an unfortunate by-product. Sadly for many who experience church hurt, the place you once looked to for relief and salve for your pain has become the very thing that can add to it. When your religious hurt or trauma is dismissed or ignored by those who caused it, it is very important that you do not join them by ignoring or diminishing your own pain as well. The first step in managing painful religious experiences during the holidays (or anytime) is to honor and validate your own pain and experience. If you have been hurt by someone you should be able to trust, you are right to feel anger, betrayal, sorrow, grief, rage, emptiness, loneliness, rejection, fear…you are right to feel whatever you feel. Acknowledge your feelings as real and valid. Maybe Dad or Grandma is pressuring you to participate in some way. Maybe the weight of a certain tradition feels especially heavy. Maybe you are experiencing your own guilt and longing. In the midst of all of the competing voices, make sure you also give voice to the hurt. Your experiences are real. All of your feelings are real. Your pain is real.
Learn the Value of the Word 'And'
One of the most powerful ways to honor your own pain and experience is by the use of the simple word ‘AND’. ‘And’ makes room for competing experiences and feelings without valuing one over the other. It assumes that two things can be true at the same time. Listen to the differences in these sentences: “I feel uncomfortable at church, but Grandma wants me to go to Christmas Eve service”. “I feel uncomfortable at church, and Grandma wants me to go to Christmas Eve service”. In the first sentence, the decision has already been made. Whatever follows the “but” has already been deemed more important. In the second sentence, both things are equally true and important and now there is a decision to be made. Listen again: “I feel so betrayed by my church community, but I feel guilty not going to church on Christmas”. vs. “I feel so betrayed by my church community, and I feel guilty not going to church on Christmas”. In the first sentence, the guilt trumps the betrayal. In the second one, both guilt and betrayal are able to be acknowledged. You then get to validate both feelings and decide which one is most important to honor at this particular time. When you experience competing values or feelings within yourself or with your family, try thinking about it by using the word ‘and’ to give yourself some more space and validation to process your feelings and needs.
Identify Your Emotional and Spiritual Needs During the Holidays
Once you have validated your own feelings, take some time to identify what you truly need to manage and honor those feelings this holiday season. What you need will be different depending on what your feelings are and how intense they are. Do you need to talk to a friend, loved one, or family member about your feelings and pain or was just validating it on your own enough? What do you need to do in terms of your faith journey? Do you need to create your own tradition? Do you want to participate in a past faith tradition with boundaries? Does faith or religion need to be put on pause for a time during the holidays? Once you determine your own needs, decide whether you need to make concessions as you celebrate with others. Maybe just validating your own feelings will soothe the hurt enough to participate with your family in a way that feels good for all of you. Maybe it looks like participating in only some aspects of your faith tradition and putting limits on others. Perhaps you realize that participating in a service at a church or religious institution feels too uncomfortable, and you simply need to hold that boundary for yourself. If that is the case, tell others who may be affected by that ahead of time that you are making that choice and if it feels appropriate, why you are choosing that. Giving loved ones notice of your decisions is a way to let them know that you honor them and their desires while asking the same of them.
When your religious hurt or trauma is dismissed or ignored by those who caused it, it is very important that you do not join them by ignoring or diminishing your own pain as well.
Holidays and special occasions can trigger painful feelings and experiences connected with religious trauma and hurt. However, if you are thoughtful and intentional about processing and communicating your feelings, it can be a starting point for some healing to begin. Whatever your faith tradition, here is wishing you a wonderful holiday season.
7 Minute Shift
(Because you can’t do anything with quality in 5 minutes and who the hell has 10 minutes lying around!)
If you read through this entire article, you probably have some kind of wound from a faith or religious community. Take the next 7 minutes to do the following exercise.
Imagine participating in your faith tradition around the holidays in a way you have in the past. Walk through the entire experience and notice the places where it starts to feel painful or uncomfortable.
Name the feeling associated with that image: “When I imagine_____ (being in the place, seeing those people, doing that activity) I feel ____ (angry, rejected, unseen, not important, afraid, lonely).”
That’s it! Just notice and name. And hear me saying that I am so sorry that something that was meant to bring you safety and peace has created such a painful feeling in you.
Looking for More?
Read Parts 1-3 for more helpful strategies on managing holiday stress. If you want further help in exploring or healing from your own religious trauma, I’d love to walk with you in that process. Explore Therapy for Religious Trauma in Minnesota, take a deep dive with a Therapy Retreat, or schedule a time for a free consultation.
