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The Way That Can Be Named is Not the Way (Finding a Way Forward)


Two different one way signs

Taoism is an eastern philosophical and religious tradition that focuses on living in harmony with Tao, or “The Way”, the foundational substance of the universe. The first line of the Tao Te Ching, a core writing of Taoism, has been translated by some to say “The Way that can be named is not the Way”. So, basically, the foundational text of the tradition starts by saying, if you try to define “the way”, you’ve already got it wrong. It’s bigger, more mysterious, deeper, wider and less tangible than however you are trying to describe it. And I thought the 10 commandments were hard! I think there is both freedom and fear in this. Most people who align themselves to something, a partner, a family, a community, a religious or political ideology or institution, or even God, at their core want to do right by it. We want to be faithful, nurturing and honoring to the thing we are aligned with, and not having the rules or structure of that thing clearly defined means living with the fear we could get it wrong. The freedom comes in knowing that since we can’t really define it, we can let go of our efforts and striving to get it right, and just be with. At the risk of misappropriating a sacred text, I do think there is a present day lesson for us in this as well.


Problems and Solutions


At the time of this writing, my home state of Minnesota has, in the last three months, experienced the assassination of state representative Melissa Hortman and her husband and the assassination attempt of state senator John Hoffman and his wife, and the death of two children and wounding of 21 others in a shooting at Annunciation Catholic Church/School in Minneapolis. And at the national level we have just witnessed the assassination of political figure Charlie Kirk. With each of these tragic events, there is no shortage of deep emotional responses, followed by a desire for or contribution of a defined problem and solution. The problem is the left, the right, guns, mental health, gender issues, too much government, not enough government, the wrong kind of government, too much God, not enough God, the wrong kind of God. And with these clear problems come certain answers: more red states, more blue states, more of this law, less of this regulation, more government, less government, different government, more God, less God, a different kind of God. The most honest, compassionate and truest things I have heard in the last several days have been the aching and weary questions of “What do we do now?” and “Where do we go from here?”. Because the truth is that on some level, the problem is all of those things and on some level it has nothing to do with any of those things. As soon as we try to define it, we miss something, leave something out, simplify it, minimize it or cheapen it. The way that can be named is not the way.


Where Do I Go From Here? 


I am not a religious leader, activist, public policy maker or influencer, but I am a therapist. So, let me bring this idea inward from the universe and the nation to you and me, because this doesn’t just impact us as a nation. We aren’t just coping with collective grief, we are individually affected as well. It lands in our individual nervous systems. Our individual hearts break, our guts twist, our bodies tense, and we feel…angry, fearful, helpless, sorrow, compassion, anxious, powerless, rage, grief, hopelessness, despair, regret, panic. When we ask, “What do we do now? and “Where do we go from here?”, we are also asking “What do I do now?” and “Where do I go from here?”


Long before this latest round of national trauma, I have found myself at the mercy of reacting to all of these intense and often competing emotions. The constant barrage of intense, tragic and graphic news stories and political vitriol flood my nervous system from the moment I awake and check my email until I fall asleep to my last Substack post. My stomach in knots and my nervous system always idling a little high, not quite fight or flight, but a constant state of tussle or trot. “That’s it!”, I say. “I can’t do anything about this anyway!” I turn off the news, delete social media apps off my phone, and start numbing my way through my fifth watching of West Wing on Netflix. This lasts for a bit until my family starts talking or a client shows up to a therapy session trying to process the latest thing to hit their nervous system and I am smacked with guilt, fear and embarrassment that my ignorance isn’t doing anything to make things better for myself or the people in my orbit. Then it’s back on with news, reinstalling the apps and paying closer attention to any wise words I might glean from Martin Sheen or Bradley Whitford. And the cycle repeats. This kind of cycle can be overwhelming because I don’t know what to DO with what I know or think. I want a plan, a process, a blueprint for what to do next. But, (and I’m sure you know what’s coming), the way that can be named is not the way.


Person taking a step
There isn’t only one way forward. Every person and each day has a different way. Where we go, what we do, how we heal from here is a one step plan, each day.



3 Keys to Moving Forward 


It’s no surprise that many of the most popular self-help books contain the words habit, rule, key, strategy, how to, the art of, and steps, often with numbers accompanying them. I fear that I should have titled this blog “3 Keys to Moving Forward in Troubling Times”, since a philosophical title telling people what won’t work is not a good strategy for a high click count. But, views and hits aside, it is true. There aren't 3 habits, 4 rules, 5 keys or a 6 step strategy for what to do, where to go, how to move or feel better. That isn’t to say that there is no way forward. It’s just that there isn’t only one way forward. Every person and each day has a different way. Where we go, what we do, how we heal from here is a one step plan, each day. That one step is to look both inside myself and outside myself to assess the needs and resources of the day, and step. There are a handful of wise, thoughtful women in our contemporary culture who talk about this as doing the next right thing. Today, that next step may be to snuggle your kiddos a little longer to help make them feel safe. Tomorrow, it may be to call your representative to take action on an issue you believe will help make them feel safe. Today, I might yell and scream and curse the evil of the object, the disease, the person, the idea, the belief, the philosophy, theology or ideology that I think is to blame for all the pain. Tomorrow, I might sit down with a friend or family member who believes differently than me and ask them how they are and what they are fearful of. Today, my step may be to say a simple prayer that I have memorized from my Sunday School days to help comfort me and lean into something bigger than me. Tomorrow may entail a deep, deconstructive dive into that same part of my faith to reassure myself that there actually is something bigger than me.


There is both freedom and fear in this. We want to be faithful, purposeful and true to the values and causes that matter most to us. We want things to change. We want to make a difference. We want to get it right. Not having the next steps clearly defined means living with the fear of getting it wrong, being complacent or complicit or just not mattering at all. The freedom comes in knowing that since there is no right 3-step process, we can let go of our efforts and striving to know and get it right, and just be with…ourselves and each other. We CAN move forward, but there isn’t A way forward. The way that can be named is not the way.


Tonight, while I was finishing this blog, my daughter and her boyfriend were in the kitchen cooking. As the sizzle in the pan quieted, I could hear him rub her arm as he gave her a hug and a gentle kiss and assured her that he would wait to eat his food until she was done making hers because, “That’s just what we do around here”. I smiled, let out some tension from the day with a deep sigh and small tear, and decided that for today, noticing words of kindness and love in my very own kitchen was enough. Tomorrow, I'll figure out my next step.




1 Step


Look inside yourself and outside yourself to assess the needs and resources of the day, and step



Looking for More?

If one of your next steps is talking to a therapist, I’d love to join you on that step. Explore therapy for women in Minnesota, dive deep with Therapy Intensives, or schedule a time to chat.



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