Handling the Holidays (Part 3: The Frustrations of Family Holiday Stress)
- Sara Smith
- Dec 5
- 6 min read
Regardless of our specific holiday traditions, for most of us the holidays include family. While for some of us that involves feelings of warmth, love, belonging and meaningful memories, for others of us, thinking about seeing family around the holidays puts a knot in our stomachs. Many of us feel holiday family stress, and truth be told, these people are in good company. Think about some of the most popular modern-day holiday movies such as Elf, Home Alone, and Christmas Vacation and how families are depicted. One is about an orphan who tries to reconnect with a father who doesn’t know he exists. One is about a family so caught up in the busyness and commercialism of the holidays they forget one of their kids when they leave for a vacation. And one is about an extended family whose issues and quirks know no bounds (or boundaries). Additionally, you have classics like A Christmas Carol and The Grinch, which feature main characters who have chosen a life of grumpiness and isolation in an effort to avoid the pain and perils of family and relationships. If aliens studied movies to understand our holiday family life, it would paint a pretty bleak (albeit maybe honest) picture. While all of those movies listed have warm, happy and satisfying endings, most of us would prefer the peace and love they find at the end without all of the chaos and conflict it seems to take to get there. If this resonates with you, here are some suggestions for getting through this holiday season with just a little less Griswold in your family celebrations.
Manage Expectations During the Holidays
The first key to handling challenging family dynamics during the holidays is to manage your expectations. This involves managing both general and specific expectations. Holidays are stressful for many people for a variety of reasons. It is often a time of increased financial obligations, time commitments and pressure to perform. We often hold for ourselves, or are aware that others hold for us, certain expectations of generosity, availability, time together, feelings and behaviors. We are feeling these expectations (consciously or unconsciously) and so are the people we are gathering with. These expectations can lead us to feel stressed, on edge, irritable, sensitive and guarded. If you put several people experiencing that in a room together, it's no wonder a conflict might arise. Remembering that we are all likely feeling that same pressure to some degree can help us have more grace for others as well as ourselves.
It's also important to manage specific expectations you have for specific family members. While we all have the capacity to change unpleasant behaviors, the stressful holiday season is unlikely to be the place we start. You can manage your expectations by planning for what you know is likely to be true rather than just hoping for what you want and feeling disappointed. For example, you need to eat by a certain time in order to leave for another gathering, but your little brother usually shows up late. Rather than underlining the time in the text, adding exclamation points, and then being frustrated when he is still late, plan for it. Give yourself an extra hour, or go to the other gathering first. If you know that mom is likely to ask an uncomfortable question about where you went to church for Christmas or when she should expect a grandchild, plan for it. Think through how you want to handle the question when it comes up and how you want to steer the conversation after the fact, rather than crossing your fingers that she won’t ask and then getting irritated when she does. This isn’t about thinking the worst about people, it’s about deciding to control YOUR reactions rather than trying to control OTHERS’ behaviors. You likely know which behaviors push your buttons, so decide ahead of time how you will handle yourself when those buttons inevitably get pushed.
Set Clear Boundaries with Families
One of the most helpful and clear definitions of a boundary is you telling someone what YOU are going to do rather than telling them what THEY should do. The second key to avoiding family conflict during the holidays is to identify and communicate clear boundaries. This means communicating directly to your family what you are (and are not) going to do. Direct communication does not have to be harsh, mean, or devoid of feeling. It just means that you are communicating clearly and specifically and not hinting, beating around the bush, or being passive aggressive. This is easier when you are communicating what you are going to do rather than trying to get someone else to do something. In our example above, rather than texting your little brother saying, “It would be really helpful if you could be on time today”, you could say, “Our family will need to leave at 3:00 p.m.” or “We are available from 12-3 on Christmas Day”. In the example of mom asking challenging questions, you may say, “I’ve decided not to talk about religion in a large-group gathering”, or, “I would love to talk more about that with you at another time, but not in this setting”. Notice that all of the statements that are communicated start with “I” or “We” and none start with “You”. Boundaries are about communicating what YOU are going to do or not do. One other thing to note here, because you are communicating about what YOU are doing, you are also not dictating how others react or feel about your boundaries. Your brother may be disappointed if he has a shorter time with you. Your mom may be hurt by your unwillingness to discuss her concerns. They get to have those feelings and they get to decide what to do about them. It is not up to you to try and make them feel a certain way, it is only up to you to communicate your needs and choices.
A boundary is you telling someone what YOU are going to do rather than telling them what THEY should do.
Prioritize What Matters Most This Holiday Season
The final key for managing difficult family dynamics is to make sure you have prioritized your holiday number one… the thing that matters most to you. It will be different for everyone, so it is up to you to make sure you know what yours is. (Click here for more about Prioritizing Your Principles). Identify what is the one thing that you wouldn’t want to miss out on this holiday season. Is it honoring or practicing your faith in a meaningful way? Is it celebrating a certain holiday tradition? Is it spending time with a certain person or group of people? Make sure that one thing is plugged into your holiday schedule early and is not compromised. Because the truth is dealing with brother’s tardiness or mom’s intrusive questions is more tolerable if you have also made time for things that make you feel good and special this holiday season. Dealing with challenging family members AND sacrificing the things that are important to you is a fast track to wanting to steal the Who Hash!
Chances are your holiday won’t look like either holding hands and singing around a Christmas tree or an RV full of unwanted relatives in your front yard. There is a lot of room in between to have time with family that is meaningful, peaceful, and leaves you feeling loved. Taking responsibility for your part of the relationships by following the suggestions above is a great way to start.
7 Minute Shift
(Because you can’t do anything with quality in 5 minutes and who the hell has 10 minutes lying around!)
1.Think about what family situation you are feeling the most stressed out about as you look toward the holidays.
2. Decide what kind of expectation you need to accommodate for or what kind of clear boundary you need to set with that family member or members.
3. Take one small step in implementing that accommodation or boundary (i.e. send a text, call a family member, make a plan)
Looking for More?
You can read Parts 1 and 2 of this series here. If you experience family conflict during the holidays, you don’t have to handle it alone. At All Things New, I offer therapy for women and couples in Minnesota. Schedule a free consultation or learn more about therapy intensives today.
