Handling the Holidays (Part 2: Managing Relationship Stress During the Holidays)
- Sara Smith
- Nov 20
- 4 min read
Many couples struggle with communication about holiday expectations. As a kid, I loved Christmas morning. I opened my presents from my parents on Christmas Eve, and then on Christmas morning I had gifts from Santa in my stocking. Long after the truth of Santa had been revealed, I had a stocking full of treasures every Christmas morning. I remember years of stuffed animals peeking out of the stocking, brightly colored socks, or the perfect accessory to go with the outfit I had gotten the night before. Even though the space underneath the tree was now lined with opened boxes, I had one more thing to look forward to. It was the icing on the cake. I remember my first Christmas as a newlywed in my 20s. I couldn’t wait to bring the same traditions into my very own household. I woke up that first Christmas morning to find a stocking full of unshelled mixed nuts, a few pieces of candy and an orange. (All of which had come from our cupboard!) I was so disappointed. To be fair, all of the nostalgia I just shared above, I didn’t actually tell my husband until AFTER I opened the sad sock. The next year’s stocking was much better!
Talking about the "What" of Your Holiday Traditions
In a marriage or cohabitating partnership, so much of the work is blending two (oftentimes quite different) lives, patterns, habits, traditions, needs and wants into one household. The foundational key to this is communication-actually discussing our wants and needs, likes and dislikes, preferences and aversions. Never is this more important than when we’re trying to manage relationship stress during the Holidays. The first step to maintaining a healthy relationship around the holidays is talking about the what of your holiday traditions. What do you want your holiday to look like? What is important or unimportant? What traditions do you want to keep, discard or create? What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to see? When we come from 20+ years of celebrating a holiday in a particular way (or even no particular way at all), we can just assume what will happen going forward. This is true whether you are blending traditions in a new relationship or whether you have been together for years. As seasons of life change, our needs and desires for holidays change as well. Kids get older, loved ones die, we get tired, our priorities change. Talking to each other purposefully about what is important to you this holiday season, whether you have been together for 2 years or 22 years, can both increase your satisfaction and decrease your conflict and disappointment with the result.
Being Vulnerable about the "Why" of Your Holidays
Talking about what you want for the holidays is the foundation, but being vulnerable about why it is important to you is the real key to going beyond just avoiding conflict with your partner, to having a holiday that feels meaningful and enjoyable. When we blended our families in my second marriage, I had a well-established tradition of having a cookie baking weekend with my mom and kids. We had a standard list that we always made; a combination of old traditions from our childhood and new traditions we started with my kids. My husband asked if we could add Spritz to the list. I looked at my list of 15 delicious, gooey, chocolaty treats that didn’t take 7 hours to make and taste like dry biscuits, and scrunched up my nose a bit. He then did two things: First, he offered to help make them (not a slight concession). Secondly, he told me about the fond memories he had of his making them with his grandma and some special memories he had of her. The reason he wanted to make them gave purpose to the work involved and made me WANT to compromise because I saw the meaning it had for him. As you talk with your partner about all of the WHATS of the holidays, make sure you also talk about the WHYS. Do you want to visit Aunt Carol so your mom won’t make you feel guilty or because of a special connection you have with her? Do you want to celebrate the holiday on a certain day because it is what you’ve always done or because of a spiritual or relational significance? Discussing why certain aspects of the holidays are important helps minimize conflict and make compromise easier. It brings into focus the things we don’t want to compromise on and the things that are less important. It also increases our own willingness to compromise, as we see the value something has for someone we love.
Talking to each other purposefully about what is important to you this holiday season can both increase your satisfaction and decrease your conflicts.
Maintaining a healthy connection with our partners can be especially challenging around the holidays, with busyness and competing desires to contend with. Talking purposefully about what you want and openly about why it’s important can go a long way to not just managing, but actually enjoying this holiday season together.
Creating Connection
1. Each person makes a list of 3-5 traditions you did as a kid or currently do that you like or are meaningful to you.
2. Share your list with your partner, making sure to share WHY each of the things you put on your list is important or meaningful.
3. Identify the 1 (or 2) traditions on your list that are most important or that you would never want to consider not doing. Also, identify on tradition you had or have that you wouldn’t mind letting go of.
4. IMPORTANT: Do not drive this conversation to an action step. The point of this conversation is connection and getting to know each other better. If it leads to a change you both agree is needed, great. If it leads only to a discussion that helps you feel closer to your partner-that’s the goal!
Looking for More?
You can read Part 1 of this series, Prioritizing Your Principles, here. If the holidays lead to conflict and disconnection in your relationships, you don’t have to handle it alone. At All Things New, I offer couples therapy in Minnesota to help couples connect to each other again. Schedule a free consultation or learn more about therapy intensives today.
