Houston, we have a solution!(Communication Strategies for Couples)
- Sara Smith
- Sep 2
- 6 min read
One of my favorite movies is Apollo 13. I love everything about it - the adventure, the suspense, the actors. And bonus, if you are ever playing “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” (or Tom Hanks or Ed Harris), you can throw this movie out all day. The movie recounts the true story of the Apollo 13 mission to the moon that went awry when an explosion happened on the spacecraft. The iconic phrase came when the crew of Apollo 13 reported the issue to the command center in Houston - “Houston, we have a problem!” Once they uttered those words, the command center shifted into high gear, working tirelessly around the clock to successfully bring the crew of Apollo 13 home to safety.
Now, imagine if the crew had instead declared, “Houston, we have a solution!” The team at the command center would have been pretty confused. “A solution to what” they might have wondered and could have taken precious time just figuring out what the problem was. They would have had to stop and evaluate whether that solution would work, while all the intelligence and resources in the room sat idle, waiting to be employed. They needed to be given a problem, not a solution.
Couples Therapy Example: How Small Solutions Reveal Bigger Problems
During one of my couples therapy sessions, the topic of the session was her frustration that her husband wasn’t helping her downsize. “Why can’t he just go through his old VHS tapes?”, she lamented, “He’s never going to watch them again!” It wasn’t that big of a request, but they seemed at a stalemate. He seemed resentful at her nagging. She was irritated at his unwillingness to do a simple task. And I was honestly confused as to why we were spending so much time on this issue. What I really didn’t understand was what the actual problem was. Sorting the VHS tapes was the solution to what problem? I inquired, “Why is having him sort through those tapes so important to you? What would it mean to you if he did?”
After some reflection and discussion, the real issue surfaced. The clutter was causing her stress. Having piles around the house, however neat, made it hard for her to relax and find a peaceful and calm space in her home. It was adding to her anxiety. As soon as she shared with her husband what the actual problem was, her struggle to find a place of calm, his defenses went down. He verbalized a willingness to go through the tapes and discuss how to handle some other boxes she was concerned with. Then I coached them on the value of bringing problems to each other rather than solutions. It may sound counterintuitive. You may think it's kinder or less likely to lead to conflict if you do the heavy lifting of thinking through a solution, rather than just dropping a problem in your partner’s lap. But it turns out that it limits you more than it helps you.
Why Solutions Create More Conflict in Relationships
Here are some problems you can encounter when you only go to your partner with a solution:
You Limit Your Options
Whatever solution you are bringing to the table is likely just one of the possible options that exists. There are usually a number of ways to work through the problem you are experiencing. When you try to solve it ahead of time, your partner doesn’t get to bring their ideas, intellect, wisdom and experience to the issue. More importantly, you miss out on the creativity, ingenuity and exponential knowledge that the two of you could have when you work together on a solution.
You Don’t Make Room for Your Partner’s Feelings and Needs
When you bring forth a solution, you make the assumption that your partner sees the same problem you do and should want to solve it. In the example above, the husband was not feeling at all bothered by the clutter, and actually enjoyed some of the memories and nostalgia she was wanting to part with. When he didn’t get on board with her solution, she believed he didn’t care about HER. The reality was he just didn’t care about the piles. Once they both had space to share their feelings and needs, he was willing to do something to help her anxiety because he DOES care about her. By naming the feelings you have about the problem and being willing to listen to your partner’s feelings about it too, you make room for both of you to feel valued in the relationship. When we ourselves feel valued, compromising with and caretaking for others comes easier.
You Miss Out on Connection
If you bring a solution and your partner doesn’t agree with it (or maybe even that there is a problem), the conflict now exists BETWEEN you. You are arguing about the differences between each of your opinions and viewpoints. Conflicts between people can push them apart. If you bring a problem, share with vulnerability about why it is a problem for you, and ask for help, the conflict is now OUT THERE. You are discussing a conflict that exists outside of the two of you and talking through ideas. A conflict out there can lead to people coming together to solve the problem. There is nothing like a common enemy or dragon to slay that makes you cheer for Team Us! Solving things together often leads to feeling connected.
When we feel valued in a relationship, compromising with and caretaking for each other comes easier.
Communication Strategy: Find Solutions AND Connection Through Sharing Problems
One of my favorite scenes from Apollo 13 is when they realized that the CO2 in the spacecraft was rising and they didn’t have the filters they needed. The NASA team had to come up with a way to fit a square filter into a round hole using only the supplies the astronauts had on the spacecraft. They dumped replicas of all of the supplies they had onto the table and got to work. They all understood and agreed on the problem and used their different talents and expertise to come up with a solution. It was one of the crucial steps in getting the crew home safely.
Communication in relationships can feel tricky. If conversations with your partner are leading to conflicts and disconnection, I invite you to consider if you are sharing problems or solutions with your partner. We all want to be seen and valued by others, and giving each other a chance to hear and contribute to all aspects of a problem and solution helps us feel trusted and that we matter. Try implementing the communication strategies below to talk to your partner with vulnerability and honesty about your concern. It’s not rocket science, but it could help you feel more connected.
Creating Connection
Identify an issue you’d like to bring up with your partner.
Take some time to accurately identify the problem.
Think about the impact the problem is having on you personally and the emotions the problem brings up for you.
Consider how you could bring the problem up to your partner using feeling words to describe its impact on you.
Here is an example of three different ways to bring up a concern about a partner that has been putting in a lot of hours at work.
Solution-Centered Approach: “You’re working too much lately. You need to say no at work and be home more.” (Solution: Say no at work more)
Problem-Centered Approach with focus on your partner: “I’m frustrated that you are working so late and are rarely home at night” (Problem: Your work schedule)
Problem-Centered Approach with focus on the impact on you: “I have realized that I start to feel lonely and overwhelmed on weeks where you have to work late” (Problem: My loneliness and overwhelm)
5. Read those examples again and imagine your partner saying each of those to you. What happens in your body when you hear each statement? What emotions do you feel?
6. Practice! Try bringing your concern to your partner the third way and see what happens.
Looking for More?
If you’re ready to improve communication and reduce conflict, explore couples therapy in Minnesota, look closer at a therapy retreat, or schedule a time to chat with me.