What to do when you feel like you’ve lost yourself (And How to Start Finding Your Way Back)

---

This is my first blog post. I’ve been doing therapy for women and couples in Minnesota for over 10 years, but this is my first foray into the blog writing scene. I decided I wanted to try and reach my clients in a different way and have a creative outlet for myself. And guess what…Do I Feel Lost!! HA! What irony!

I have so much fricken wisdom at 3:00 a.m. when I’m trying to get back to sleep, but when it’s time to put something down that I’m going to publish, all I hear is the incredibly loud clock ticking behind me and what amounts to the depth of wisdom that “Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey” had to offer us. (For those of you not blessed enough to be a Gen-Xer, see Al Franken on SNL circa the 90’s. Example: “If you’re robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too. Because, come on, life is funny”). Why is it that losing is so easy, but finding seems so elusive?

Hard to Find, But Easy to Lose

Seriously though! Let’s make a list of things that are hard to find: 

• Time

• Matching toddler socks

• Work/life balance

• Jeans that fit

• Friends as an adult

• 8th grader’s math homework

• Peace

• Cash for the hockey team “volunteering” to bag your groceries

• Your voice

Now let’s make a list of things that are easy to lose: 

• Time

• The other toddler sock

• Your balance

• Your mind

• Friends as an adult

• 8th grader’s math homework

• Faith

• Your shit

• Your voice

There’s got to be some glitch in the matrix to explain this. It’s not just socks or time we lose — sometimes it feels like we lose ourselves in the chaos of daily life. There are so many women I know - in my family, in my online therapy practice, in the mirror -  who have uttered the words, “I feel like I’ve lost myself” or “How do I find myself again?”. And let’s face it, when we can’t even find the other sock, finding a Self can seem like a daunting task. How do you even begin?

You Don’t Need All Her Parts to Begin 

I want to suggest that you start the same way you start when you can’t find all the other things. Look at that list again. When you can’t find these things you don’t stop, let your kid get frostbit toes, quit work and life, go without pants, drop out of school or leave your groceries at the store. You start with what you have and keep moving forward. You put on mismatched socks, try to work a little more or a little less, wear leggings again, turn in the homework late, and smile at the hockey boys and wish them good luck on their season as you walk out the door with your groceries. You do SOMETHING instead of NOTHING. You start with what you have and move forward. We are so often willing to do for others what we are unwilling to do for ourselves. 

The truth is she’s still in there, that Self that you think you’ve lost. She may be muffled, tired, overwhelmed, hiding, scared, or disoriented, but she’s there. So, what would it look like if you just started with the parts of her that you could find and let those be enough to start moving forward. Maybe it’s simple, like giving her her favorite snack. Or maybe it’s bold, like letting her pull out an old activity she used to enjoy or trying a new one. Maybe you can’t see all of her, but you remember that she likes to learn or you discover that she can sing or write. Perhaps she’s overwhelmed at all of the problems in the world around her and you give her permission to use her voice to speak about just one. Or, she could be exhausted from all of her doing, and you give her permission to make herself a margarita and relax in the sun.

When we allow ourselves to start moving forward with whatever parts of our Self we have, she reveals more and more of herself to us.

I don’t think our Self is something we can just go looking for and then find all at once. We find a part of her here and a piece of her there. And when we allow ourselves to start moving forward with whatever parts of her we have and know, she reveals more and more of herself to us. We don’t have to see all of her to honor and celebrate the part of her we can see. We can start loving and wielding the parts we have. She deserves that. And if she emerges with mismatched socks and pants that don’t fit, it’s okay to laugh. Because, come on, life is funny!

---

7 Minute Shift

(Because you can’t do anything with quality in 5 minutes and who the hell has 10 minutes lying around!)

1.Take a couple of minutes to breathe deep and still your thoughts. When your mind feels quiet enough, focus inward and look for the part or parts of your Self that you already know about. Jot down the first 3 or 4 things that come to mind.

2. Make a plan to DO something this week that activates or brings one of those parts to life.

Looking for More?

If you want to look further into finding yourself again, I’d love to walk with you in that process. Explore therapy for women in Minnesota, dive deep with Therapy Intensives, or schedule a time to chat.